Why I don’t want happiness.
As pessimistic as it sounds I don’t want happiness to be my intention. First reason being is because when you pick up the stick of happiness the other end of that stick is sadness. So when you march towards that high you are also marching in the opposite direction and taking on sadness. I learnt from Alanis Morisette on Super Soul Sunday that happiness is also a high and coming back down from that is a low. From her I gathered that Connection should be our main aspiration.
The second reason is what I was taught by Joyce Meyer on her programme: Enjoy everyday life. When Joyce spoke “Let me tell you if you don’t have peace and you don’t have Joy than you cannot be rich”. These words resound in me deeply. Because these are the aspects of life I want to concur. If I cannot have both on a daily basis I want at least the one.
Ultimately, I am lead to…
Peace: If I cannot be joyous on a day to day basis I would at least like to be in a state of Zen. Perhaps with no smile on the outside, to remain content and unshaken, especially by what’s going to outside of myself is a goal in itself. I need a peaceful mind in order to go through this wonderland. I just want clean thoughts and not clutter. I want my spirit to take care of itself and really guide me through all my decisions and choices. I want to keep myself as carefree as possible. Not because I want to walk in the world blindly and be oblivious to what’s going on around me, but to not let the unnecessary fear and worry confuse my mind. As Marianne Williamson says in her speech on women and religion: we should be able to “answer to that small voice within and lay it down wherever we are”.
Joy: Joy is deeper than happiness. It’s the consistency of everlasting peace. Pure expressions of real divine serenity would be when this gets the chance to glow on the surface. It said the opposite of Joy is misery, and as we all know ‘Misery loves company’. So instead of having a tea party and inviting more reason to be sorrowful, why not add to joy that same way? When achieved by cementing peace, Joy is unstoppable. Without the stability of peace, joy is rocky.
A memorable conversation that has been playing on my mind recently is that one I had with a therapist several years ago. I had been suggested to by someone who knew me quite a while that I maybe bipolar. Reason for this suggested as stated was because the person who had knew me said to me that I, in the space of a couple of weeks had gone from being happy, then dropping into a low, low mood. At this time, I remember I had no real sense of which I was and had no solidarity and clarity in my emotions. So when I expressed this to my current therapist, the conversation went like this:
Me: I get a bit worried about myself because I do sink sometimes and I find it a challenge getting back up. See someone suggested that I maybe bipolar… Do you think I am?
Therapist: You know Eva, I have known you for this period of time, and I know for sure you don’t show any signs of that. What annoys me is people’s poor lack of mental health education. You, as you picked up on once is that it’s okay not to be okay. I gather that you are just a naturally happy person, who, when you get down, you get down.
Me: That is true; I just worry because down is just too messy.
There was a soft silence and she began to continue…
Therapist: Eva, to be honest, I would be more worried about you if you were happy all the time.
I felt my whole body took a deep breath.
In her words I found solace. Conquering these two, kicks depression and anxiety hard. I spoke to a friend not too long ago and I had explained to her how much I cling to the past sometimes for me to gain a reference to my sense of character. I told her how much I cling to moments of aliveness. She told me this way dangerous because this way we never stay focus on the present. We cannot live there forever and we have to press on with our twenty six year old selves rather than our teenage selves. Sometimes life demands different versions of us to show up at times. You may wonder through a period where the more adult you is need and other times relax into your childlike state. Just like the weather has it seasons people do too. You wouldn’t wear a maxi dress in the winter. It’s just not beneficial, so growing up just means even though you would like to wear a dress, you might want to think about what kind is more suitable. As oppose to the choice of person you want to be at this current season in the outlook.
People’s expectation of the happy person is unrealistic as well. I have played class clown and I very much appreciate my ability to be free and funny about things. But other than that we all have a surface, and beyond it there are many depths. These I have to take care of also. A clown has a painted face, when the circus is over, it’s said the clown is a very sad character. Without my depths taken care of, my surface couldn’t be authentic. I want my sense of self to not be just an image of a smile.
Remaining in peace and joy ,you can handle any season. When I do my daily walks I am astounded by how much nature has so much to say to us. I pass a family of giant trees and through all periods, they haven’t been divided form their roots. Sometimes swayed and often cut and trimmed, never have they been removed from where they stand. That’s because over the years they may have been ruptured but because their roots are so well in their firmness they can’t be torn. My soul should stay at this bay.
We forget that sometimes it is okay to feel sad, anger, bitter or jealous. We shouldn’t make these emotions our homes. From here, we can be easily swayed because these aren’t God sent emotions. These are temporary stepping stones getting unto the next level of a deeper peace and deeper joy.
I have begun reading a new book by my vulnerability vixen, Brene Browns- Rising strong. From here I learn about owning my story. I have also picked up on the fact that sometimes it’s ok not to understand things. Certain events in my life leave me puzzled. Some people’s behaviours have left me to challenge my understanding on humans. I also know how pushed to my limits I am when it comes to my own boundaries. Sometimes my mind gets so busy that I really need to stay focus on my two keywords. Reason why we stay confused in our own stories is because in any story the middle is always baffling. As things go by, we have to know that as puzzling as is it gets it’s not up to us to have it all figured out at once. We cannot cap a conclusion and think that’s the final sense of it.
Sometimes we cry for the things we cannot change. That’s cool. Instead of trying to climb higher and higher we should try just find a place of stillness because in that although you might slip through the cracks, knowing you have the touch base that beholds peace and then joy , Happiness looks like something on a shop window. You don’t need it as much as you think you do. Peace and Joy on the other hand are essentials.