In the name of ex boyfriends..

Often we are tempted to track down our past lives in order for us to understand ourselves. Not only does that curiosity kill the cat, it leads us to take a turn backwards. In the name of ex boyfriends that theory still stands. Many women think its ok to remain friends with an ex, and think its ok to ‘still be friends’. No matter how much of a good idea it may be, no matter how polite it makes you look, I’m here to tell you of the many reasons why it is not ok, not acceptable and a good move for pressing on with your life.

You first

Many times, over the period of my life, men have come and gone. Relationships have birthed, and then reached their deaths, and even I, during those events have begun and ended the relationships as two totally different versions of myself. What I have gathered is most people you meet are there for that time and that time only. I ran into an ex over the last summer, he asked for my number and I told him frankly “You were 2014 and its now 2016”. I fail to understand why would want to reminisce on times that had passed. The only kind of nostalgic feelings I gain from past experiences are those of my school days, friendships and joys of my sisterhood. I need not pluck out a member of my ex boyfriend yellow pages in order to feel good about myself. It’s unnecessary.

Ego strokes

speaks of ex’s returning as a form of an ego boast. In order for the returner to tap into your life, they need some kind of permission. Regardless the response, or just some time taken to hear about their life post-you. It’s usually about them not about you. Sometimes some people need a reminder, a top up, or sometime of fuelling to remind them how much in their deluded minds they have some type of impact on you. Why would you want to feed an ego before you feed your own? Not saying that you should indeed be lead by your ego, but yours should serve you a little. In order for you to press on and guard yourself, something inside you should scream that you need to be the one in control of your emotion and mindset.  Flat out- you don’t need someone to tap in to make you flourish, so you need not water that plant. When you get someone who thinks that it’s ok to check in and out of your life, just because of the good old times, you need think about what his or her intentions are. You broke up for a reason and you don’t need someone who broke up with you or reverse to define yourself. That said, once your lead by your spirit you’ll realise that no matter whom or what appears in your life at one time needs no attachment and doesn’t fundamentally give you an outline. It may alter you in some ways, but once that alteration is done, you need say goodbye to it.

Not an old school buddy.

You didn’t share a classroom, you shared a bed. You’ve also shared emotions, conversations and intimacy. You had your or their heart broken and that was the duty of that mate. Inviting your past into your present, unless there is a good and very good reason mind why they choose to re appear is something you should question. Pre- them, you had a life, they may have shaped you in some way but them keeping them in your pocket just because you feel you cannot be without them, or they are you only one who understand you, or the truth of the matter is too farfetched that you cannot accept it, eventually you are going to let it sink in. Friend may turn to lovers, but lovers can never be friends. For you to make some space for the better you should clear out the old. So the new has space to enter their job as a participator in your world- is it: heal or hurt is done.  .  Ex lovers were brought into a warm space, both vulnerable and deep position. No matter how shallow or deep the emotion. Two year or two month time spent. It served its time. Your mission is to re frame you after all the excitement and try a party for one instead.

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Expelled, Expired, Exit: What Does Everyone’s ‘Ex’ Have In Common? Read more on Infinity house magazine.

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