I hate… Joan rivers style

Part one

Following on my promise I made to myself that I would re read all my book collection because it’s a crying shame to read a book just the once. Same way it is to wear an expensive, stunning dress just for one occasion. Joan Rivers in no doubt made me smile this week. In her book: I hate everything starting with me, I have decided to come up with a few: I hate’s myself. .I wanted to thank her for bigging up my name too.

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What a woman! She made me laugh whilst she was alive and still able to do so from the grave. A true comedienne. With reference to a few facebook statuses too, here goes:

 

I hate…

Stupid questions

  1. Do you still live at home? With a concerned look, Yes of course because pavements are freezing at night & brothels ask for too much rent.
  2. Why am I still in the same job? Because it’s a job and not an abusive relationship.
  3. How will I have children before getting married? Remind me what document I need to impregnate myself.
  4. How will I breastfeed my children with a nipple piercing? The children I do not have…
  5. When will I get myself a proper job? (I’m a retail assistant) Like erm, a drug dealer, or a prostitute?

People who cuss Kim Kardashian but still follow her… or anyone else on Instagram

You sheep! Did anyone tell you to push the follow? Yet you still have time to comment and spend time writing huge commentaries. Open a blog or unfollow or get back to your antisocial life and make real friends.

Boys who sit on walls, or on the bus and blast out music

This seriously gets on my last nerve. Kids who bob their heads up and down to music. You should be indoors doing your revision, instead of banging heads, bang out some good grades! I remember one day on route to hospital on the back of the bus I was listening to Sia on my IPOD and some guy had his speakers and I could hear his music. Instead of confronting the guy, I did the most Jesus thing and shazammed one of his tunes that he was listening to, although he interrupted my music, he gave me some new tunes to download!

People who have social media pages and act like they.dont.use.it

Pull the other one! Only Patrick Swayze could be the only GHOST that is actually liked.  I know I may be pretty much very on my social media pages but that’s because I am the same in real life. My social media is an extension of who I am and what I express. I don’t just sit tight and watch everyone else’s and stay silent on my page. Either that or you have got nothing else to day or nothing going on. I don’t get downright personal but I do have a say in things. I could teach a great deal.

Periods

Why do women who don’t want children have them? They don’t need to bleed once a month. For what now?

Skinny women who don’t want to have children.

Silly girls, you guys can go back to a bikini the next day. We women with a lot more… skin eat a slice of bread that takes nine months to burn!

Women who claim they are ‘naturally skinny’…

One day we will know the hidden place you vomit your food. And run a million times a day.

Men who use the ‘gender equality’ excuse for not paying for meals when dating.

Just face the fact you’re broke or just don’t really like the girl.

Beauty queens

I don’t understand why they are programmed to say that they all want world peace. Let’s face facts. None of you want that, what you want is a year supply of dust so you can all keep your bodies. We all know a beauty contest can’t bring that about so we need to drop the act!

Snobs

Their heads are too far in the clouds, they think that clothes buy them class and roses come out their ass. Too busy focusing on the artificial half of them doesn’t know where their husbands are half of the time. The efforts spent on thinking they are too good for this earth… If only a Chanel handbag can buy your ways into the heavens.

Family members who you don’t see in a while that claims to miss you.

Safe to say you’re blocked from my phone and unfriended on facebook. You weren’t in a coma before you remembered we were related all that time, so it’s really ok. Surnames and DNA never guaranteed a bond. Friends are family because they want to be, you act like it because you have to be. Maybe you’re guilty about having done something? You’re forgiven but we need not fake it.

People who knock on our door and hand out leaflets about their religion

Unless you’re willing for me to give you the web address for my blog , link to instagram or twitter , so I can show you what I am about, save the paper, save time,  and the effort of me getting up from my chair to answer the doorbell just to tell you ‘ I not interested’. Or here’s a thought: do it online! We won’t miss a part of Eastenders that way.

Peter Andre

I don’t know any other man on the planet who got so much praise for leaving his wife for no reason. Poor Katie didn’t even know the reason why. He always insisted that she did and one day the kids will understand. He really did keep it mysterious…

Ex Boyfriends who still want to keep in touch

Your old news boys! Grieve me properly and leave me alone. You shouldn’t need to tap in and check that I still remember the ‘good times’ if times were so amazing we still be together. Onwards with your self esteem, put aside the super ego because there’s only room for one ego in my world and that’s mine. It was well groomed when I got created, so I need not come back and ask for your stroke.

I shall throw a part two along with some I love’s too. I am just getting started here.

;-D

 

 

 

 

 

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