“Oh, I went from not wanting to live life no more
to appreciating every breath I take” Tulisa NDubz
If anything that has forced me to find myself I owe it to my dark times. Nothing or no one comes next to the deepest battle I have within myself. These saddening moods are dosages of depression. I know this had taken over a grand deal of my teenage life. Not only those years. But come back to haunt my twenties. That pain was my platform and exactly what I needed to give myself the kick to want to be in states of peace and episodes of joy presently.
Depression is one of life’s grim reapers. It caused me to cry myself to sleep every night because it was the only place I could without being questioned why. I couldn’t put my finger on why I was feeling such a way and no spot on reason. I wanted to disappear into the night and was disappointed to wake in the morning. I feared if life was going to keep being this way, I no longer wanted to be a part of it. It shadowed my teenage years. Now I am aware, it cannot and will not do what it did to me all those years ago.
One in four people suffer from it. I swear it is more common than we think. Painted on a face everyday could be a smile, but deep within that face could be battling terrible thoughts, burdening feeling and a flood load of hurtful emotions. Many think it’s nothing and accept it as a way of life. It vanishes their enjoyment away. Not realizing that if not dealt with, could destroy their lives with total bleakness.
If I could paint to you a picture of how life looked before I was hit with these episodes. Taken from my memoir piece, I had written for my dissertation reflecting a younger me in 2003. It was this:
“It was a new term and that meant and new beginning, I had my planner page filled with floods of detentions, and I had been nominated for class awards for best hairstyle and class joker. The biggest achievements of my life, after hearing the class had selected me my self confidence was sky high.”
From this colourful world, I had been knocked into soot. I thought that being sad was something that grownups were, because the joys of life passed once you started to grow up. Little did I know that wasn’t true? Still, I from the age of fifteen fell into a tumbling well of tears that made me drown, over and over again into the addictive feeling of overwhelming sadness. A low mood was my second home.
From loving my life, to despising it, what made me realize I had completely lost myself was when I wasn’t even voted for as class joker in the official title in the yearbook. Not only that the relationships that followed after were just deflating. Every person I met on that path was like my drinking buddies, drunk on my sorrow and horrid emotions, we all joined in company. Was it him? Was it them? Was it change? I couldn’t quite figure out anything. I was clouded by gloom and I always felt drenched in melancholy.
There were various contributor:. A string of relationships, deep rooted insecurities and a poor self belief system. Family issues and much more. Having faced a high deal of change during my early years, I couldn’t do anything but blame myself. I had no idea about self love and how to be nice to myself; I dragged myself through life day to day with no substance, feeling empty, excessive and ugly. Feeling bad about who I was, was a frequent feeling that I couldn’t escape.
Still, from all this, I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was whether it was just hollow emotions or thought patterns that kept this alive. However, feeling heavy showed up in my physicality. I began to feel less energetic and began putting on weight. Not only did I not feel light, I ended up feeling uglier because I never recognized me. Plus, my skin suffered and to mention the comments from the outside world never helped.
The tragedy of having been hit by it so young is that there is no real sense of character. Actual being is very much decapitated because there’s strong standing point to go back to. Having said this, from the little idea I had about myself, I was still able to be inspired my then me that was upbeat without having given myself any label. My childlike self has become my incentive about who I am with no efforts.
“You gotta find your best self and when you do, you gotta hold on to it for dear life.” Wild
An Energy exchange?
I look back and I wonder if, because of my vibrant way and my high use of energy, the second I couldn’t channel my spirit, I lost all balance and it suddenly fell headfirst to the floor-Slamming hard, without any word of warning and no one to catch me. I got comfortable and stayed there. Slipping into it was easier than climbing back up. But getting back up was all worth the while. If the energy was a large amount that just translated because it wasn’t being used properly, I now am sure to keep tossing it up into the air more often than so, because I want to make use of it and keep it glittering.
A friend once told me that you never rid of it, but as go through life you learn to deal with it. I reckon that’s the message I wish to put out there. Don’t force it away, but just don’t feed it. Nothing can worsen it then adding to it and sometimes, you have to learn to sit with it a while to understand and gain insight into what doesn’t make you joyous.
With much self help, therapy work and plenty soul searching I am able got refrain myself and get myself back to feeling as my thirteen year old self was. With real self love, this brought about a positive, healthy lifestyle and mindset. Without having those episodes I know the darkness’s I am capable of and know what happens if I don’t keep my head above water. My laughter has more substance; I live with deeper appreciation and a wholesome more way of being. Life tastes sweeter when sour isn’t how you want it.
I know I won’t be the exact version of the ‘ME’ then, but I wouldn’t want to be. I just want that same spirit in the body of my twenty six year old self. That’s my core.
Depression is one of life’s grim reapers. It wants to steal your energy and your being. It cannot be your friend and is the enemy. It has the chance to redeem itself but it just won’t because it enjoys being bad too much. Don’t let the bad be at the expense of your joy. Every time you choose delight you kick depression in the teeth. Because you stand up to the fact you won’t accept these ways as your final condition of being.
Part two will follow. I will talk about the help you can do for yourself and with the help of other people.
For any ideas that could help I have attached an article piece that could benefit you.
Get your spirit right. http://infinityhousemagazine.com/secret-self-esteem-part-ii/